The Bitter Banana Bi-Weekly

A word of advice, unless you have lots of dough, some rags, and perhaps a bottle of chloroform, scoring with Asian girls will be a difficult task. I'll give you the hands-down facts on dating Asians. As a staple part of slant-eyed tradition, a Chinese guy's worth in life is how much banknotes he can haul in so his miser parents can nab it from his long, skeleton-like fingers.

So as a foreigner, unless your willing to upset your forcibly arranged bride by unraveling yourself as some pasty pedophiliac nerd and doom the rest of her life enchained as husband and gullible skank, follow my words of advice.

For the financially inclined, follow these six easy steps to nab yourself a Asian skank.






1. The Truth About Asian Porn

Unless your too aroused from watching JapScat videos, it should be cold hard facts, that all Asian porn is pretty much fake. Many of these seemly "authentic shots" are just sneaky pasty caucasian nerds who hold cell-phone cameras under a fresh-out-of-boater's undercarriage. In Japan, this apparantly seems to be the norm, as FOB women feel flattered at such subjects to be pitied upon.

For individuals that actually volunteer for such a shitty job, they are actually the following sins against nature:

*Men with their dicks cut off, who recycles their own food after shitting it back out on video.
*Creepy Japanophiles dressed in "Kigurumi" female doll outfits (see the picture).
*People who wished they were Japanese..
*Lardy hambeasts with gigantic windbags that can emulate the taunting voice of prostitutes on phone-sex networks.



2. Planning Your Trip To The Orient

Note that women of the East versus the West are no different. They all wear pink hello kitty cellphones that dangles off their purses, adorn themselves in clothes fitting for tramps and trollops, and are quite vocal during attempted kidnappings. As the subject for today's article, Japan, the following items can come quite handy:



*Unconverted American Currency. For starters, I advise you to dig a ditch, place a asphalt-colored sheet over it, and a US dollar on the center. By dawn, your well will be filled to the brim with crying slutty b-girls, both alive and dead.
*A dozen pink carebear products. Japanese girls love plushies, specifically gutted baby cubs stuffed with cotton. The fiendish Japanese crave the suffering of a tormented mother's agony.
*Bottle of chloroform and a rag. Choke her with it in the alley after invited her to your "English lessons".
*Mouth and gag. To avoid making a scene.
*Rope to bound your bounty.

Money is most important. And if you find yourself lacking of it, remember that THIS is another country, so counterfeits usually can be passed off too. I seen whores run right into nets and crawling into ratcages chasing after monopoly dollars.

Also as a rule of thumb, grope those Japanese airline attendants every time when they pass by to serve you shots of Pocari Sweats. In Asia, its the equivelent of a compliment.



3. On The Lookout For Prey And Good Hunting Spots

It shouldn't be hard to find good places where you can lie and wait in the bushes. As a country who worships shopping malls and American shit as religious icons, the "in-fad" is to hang out at shopping centers. Be wary of extra-attentive ex-rapees who wander in the mall. Like the majestic gazelle, they can detect predators based upon scent alone and alert others to your prescence. Eliminate these women first.


4. The Kidnapping

There are several techniques to initiate a successful kidnapping. But most of its theories and outcomes are pretty much the same. So I won't go over this topic.


5. Smuggling Her Back To The States

Here comes the difficult part. The airport customs officers would be suspicious of a 90 kilogram dufflebag being abruptly shoved through the x-ray machine. On the other hand, American checkpoints are proudfully large and girthful, allowing for speedier shove-throughs. Be wary for the terror alert. If a National Guardsman began fondling at your newfound bounty in suspicion, thwack them in the back of the head with the mentioned textbook from "English class".



6. Helping Her Adapt To Her New Life

Congratulations, if you made it this far without being handcuffed, punched, slapped, kicked in the nads, or shot at by detectives and FBI, enjoy your g prize by setting her to work in the kitchen, using the same rope that bound her to tie her to the stove.

Remember, sex slaves love beatings. They may not seem so immediately, but don't fret, she'll get used to enduring your "white-on-rice" smackdowns, and set themselves to work by preparing exotic Asian rice dishes fashioned from pocky sawdust and jolt cola residue while you type another dumb commentary on the Megatokyo Forums about how your bitch doesn't sympathetically show you facial expressions of sexual lust.

Finally, when you grow weary of her bash her skull with a pan until she faints. To dispose of the evidence, and feed her body into a woodchipper.