The Bitter Banana Bi-Weekly

Advice On How To Kidnap And Marry Asian Skanks!
An Objective Analysis Of Rice Eaters.
The Bitter Banana Manifesto.

A word of advice, unless you have lots of dough, some rags, and perhaps a bottle of chloroform, scoring with Asian girls will be a difficult task. I'll give you the hands-down facts on dating Asians. As a staple part of slant-eyed tradition, a Chinese guy's worth in life is how much banknotes he can haul in so his miser parents can nab it from his long, skeleton-like fingers.

So as a foreigner, unless your willing to upset your forcibly arranged bride by unraveling yourself as some pasty pedophiliac nerd and doom the rest of her life enchained as husband and gullible skank, follow my words of advice.

For the financially inclined, follow these six easy steps to nab yourself a Asian skank.






1. The Truth About Asian Porn

Unless your too aroused from watching JapScat videos, it should be cold hard facts, that all Asian porn is pretty much fake. Many of these seemly "authentic shots" are just sneaky pasty caucasian nerds who hold cell-phone cameras under a fresh-out-of-boater's undercarriage. In Japan, this apparantly seems to be the norm, as FOB women feel flattered at such subjects to be pitied upon.

For individuals that actually volunteer for such a shitty job, they are actually the following sins against nature:

*Men with their dicks cut off, who recycles their own food after shitting it back out on video.
*Creepy Japanophiles dressed in "Kigurumi" female doll outfits (see the picture).
*People who wished they were Japanese..
*Lardy hambeasts with gigantic windbags that can emulate the taunting voice of prostitutes on phone-sex networks.



2. Planning Your Trip To The Orient

Note that women of the East versus the West are no different. They all wear pink hello kitty cellphones that dangles off their purses, adorn themselves in clothes fitting for tramps and trollops, and are quite vocal during attempted kidnappings. As the subject for today's article, Japan, the following items can come quite handy:



*Unconverted American Currency. For starters, I advise you to dig a ditch, place a asphalt-colored sheet over it, and a US dollar on the center. By dawn, your well will be filled to the brim with crying slutty b-girls, both alive and dead.
*A dozen pink carebear products. Japanese girls love plushies, specifically gutted baby cubs stuffed with cotton. The fiendish Japanese crave the suffering of a tormented mother's agony.
*Bottle of chloroform and a rag. Choke her with it in the alley after invited her to your "English lessons".
*Mouth and gag. To avoid making a scene.
*Rope to bound your bounty.

Money is most important. And if you find yourself lacking of it, remember that THIS is another country, so counterfeits usually can be passed off too. I seen whores run right into nets and crawling into ratcages chasing after monopoly dollars.

Also as a rule of thumb, grope those Japanese airline attendants every time when they pass by to serve you shots of Pocari Sweats. In Asia, its the equivelent of a compliment.



3. On The Lookout For Prey And Good Hunting Spots

It shouldn't be hard to find good places where you can lie and wait in the bushes. As a country who worships shopping malls and American shit as religious icons, the "in-fad" is to hang out at shopping centers. Be wary of extra-attentive ex-rapees who wander in the mall. Like the majestic gazelle, they can detect predators based upon scent alone and alert others to your prescence. Eliminate these women first.


4. The Kidnapping

There are several techniques to initiate a successful kidnapping. But most of its theories and outcomes are pretty much the same. So I won't go over this topic.


5. Smuggling Her Back To The States

Here comes the difficult part. The airport customs officers would be suspicious of a 90 kilogram dufflebag being abruptly shoved through the x-ray machine. On the other hand, American checkpoints are proudfully large and girthful, allowing for speedier shove-throughs. Be wary for the terror alert. If a National Guardsman began fondling at your newfound bounty in suspicion, thwack them in the back of the head with the mentioned textbook from "English class".



6. Helping Her Adapt To Her New Life

Congratulations, if you made it this far without being handcuffed, punched, slapped, kicked in the nads, or shot at by detectives and FBI, enjoy your g prize by setting her to work in the kitchen, using the same rope that bound her to tie her to the stove.

Remember, sex slaves love beatings. They may not seem so immediately, but don't fret, she'll get used to enduring your "white-on-rice" smackdowns, and set themselves to work by preparing exotic Asian rice dishes fashioned from pocky sawdust and jolt cola residue while you type another dumb commentary on the Megatokyo Forums about how your bitch doesn't sympathetically show you facial expressions of sexual lust.

Finally, when you grow weary of her bash her skull with a pan until she faints. To dispose of the evidence, and feed her body into a woodchipper.

Commonly Defined Characteristics Of Asian Male Younglings
1. Nobody likes them, their persistence in sticking with ridiculous Dip Sung traditions has rendered them socially inept to catch up with today's pushy trends, heartpounding fashion, and catchy comebacks.
2. As stated above, the average Asian is a social retard. Beneath their ugly exterior is a very uncharismatic dermis of dorkitude. They encourage laughter with their cowardly and shrill voices, while the provoking eyes of animosity stare in snubby scrutiny.
3. Asians are very prone to bragging. As soon as your parents invite them over and ask him about his academic performance, he'll go fucking nuts, blabbering about his 3.99 GPA and his kickassed Kung Pao strictly-Asian scholarship. Then his bucktoothed mom and dad bang on the window until it breaks, loudly sugarcoating Hay Poo's "subpar" scholarly statistics and offering bad advice to your parents in order to motivate you to improve yourself, such as locking you in a underground dungeon next to a stinkin' septic tank with nothing but poorly translated English-To-Chinese dialogues of irrelevant school subjects to sharpen up on.
4. A Asian male's internet persona is a spineless sniveling slug online. Those who call you a "gay faggot" after rushing your ass 2 minutes during a casual game of StarCraft are... you guessed it, Asian! Because a Asian male thinks that his precious pasty face is shielded by his monitor, he believes that if he can't reign as king of the real world, he'll become the Overlord Administrator of the messageboard for whatever klan he is affiliated with. Here, in this imaginary digital backwater settlement populated by no more than 2 active users, slant-eyed netizens can have profane verbal feuds on basis of gameplay skill and ethnicity.
5. An Asian friend is like your personal buttkisser. He will only say things you want to hear him saying, like, "I Rike My Flied Lice!", because your his only "friend" and "study buddy". It would certainly break his frail heart if you ever deserted him.
Commonly Defined Characteristics Of Asian Female Younglings
1. Sensational sex magnet for lonely, white, fat kids.
2. Carries a studded leather purse containing a pink cellphone with every single damn geeky horny grommet who wants to "plow her".
3. Can be just as good as, or even surpassing, a Asian male's gaming abilities, thus leaving many challengers demasculinized in a Counter-Strike server, perhaps shamed into exile.
4. Fabulously rich in terms of teenager standards due to the "free" handouts she gets from sucking it down and dogging it up.
5. Hangs out in malls. If not shopping clothes, she strolls around the mall in pre-defined routes suggestively to win over more regular customers.
6. Wears pants and miniskirts with a zipper in the rump for "easy backdoor access".
7. Keeps said pants and skirt below the waistline to show off her single-thread thong.
8. Prefers the company of Rice Boys and charms them to hitch free rides on their loud, obnoxious, and eye-vomiting but notice-able rice rockets.
9. By pretending to be a Rice Boy's "biatch", she can easily manipulate him as a cheap form of transportation across town to earn even more "business connections".
10. Asian Skank Catfights are a trendy pasttime for today's urban youth. The mere spectacle of seeing two slant-eyes slugging it out with iron-studded purses incites bet-taking.

General Characteristics of All Asians
1. Asians usually have serious problems getting along with each other. Had you ever seen a Chinaboss promote a Chinaslave? Or a seen one mercifully let off another asian worker from being laid off? Natural selection is apparantly a seriously embraced methodology for all chinks, not that it was taught to us when we are young, but we pre-programmed in our minds genetically.
2. Asians are very confident in what they know, even if its incorrect knowledge. Try to tell your slant-eyed father that his bullshit theory on converting batshit into a food substitute is wrong, and you'll recieve a hard thwack on your forehead. Gooks also have pre-programmed inferity complex algorithms in our thick-minds as well, in other words, theyhate being wrong!
3. Asians will be at each other's throats in seconds if given an opportunity to excel above the competition.
4. [Unfinished]

As your typical Angry Asian American, I feel your pain.

Our naive forefathers have immigrated to this country hailing from somewhere in the East, bringing in bizarre traditions and customs whom our Western comrades laughed upon. For decades, slurs of "Chinga Wonga Chong" or "Yellow Kung Pow Chicken", has been murmured behind our skinny yellow backs, even today.

And what have our insensible ancestors do in retaliation? Nothing, perhaps even siding with and sucking up to these racial bigots without even lifting a finger. Our cowardly predecessors have disgraced us, shamed us, even sold us out to elevate themselves to their Aryan American Overlords. Asians to this day, still have that backstabbing, treasonous trait in our hearts, its a unfortunate flaw our culture.

But back to the point. I hate myself too. I hate my eyes. I hate my frail exterior caused by years of useless mental conditioning in arithmetic that my math teachers don't even use due to culture clashing. I hate my low probability of developing a social life with non-Asian races. I hate how chinkster phonies run me off the road on my bicycle with their obxious chromed Honda rice rockets. There is no such thing as "Asian Pride", or for those gooksters with difficulties in literacy, "Azn Pryde". Get a life you stinkin' rice-eating disgraces!

I propose we should secede and alienate ourselves from anything Asian. Don't buy imports. Save your yellow dignity by buying domestics like Fords, Dodge, or Chevrolets. Don't eat rice. Eat pizza, pasta, burgers, or for those of you more health inclined, fashion your own patties and grill them. Don't watch kung fu flicks with little or no consistent plots. Watch quality screenplays written by noted American scriptwriters.

Note how I have said "American", it does not mean strictly white, it can be latino, black, middle-eastern, anything as long as they have done the same thing we have, converted themselves strictly to the correct methodology of the "American Way", motivated by the wonderous "American Dream". All you need to achieve it is determination.

And that is my manifesto.